Not much to share...

I haven't posted in awhile but had a lot happen in the short time span I was MIA. Feeling extremely apprehensive with my financial situation. Working 2 jobs, 5-7 days ea. job & going to school. Can't get ahead! UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

It's not easy bein' green...

First of all, I'd like to personally thank everyone for the positive feedback I received from my previous post. It's a risk I take by disclosing I had a cocaine addiction & I appreciate the tender, sensitive & inspiring remarks- for the 1st time in many years, I feel it's ok to tell all who I truly am. I'm so exhausted with trying to mold myself into who I believe would be acceptable to this group & that, there's so much more to me. Such as, did you know I like to read books & stop in mid-sentence to jot down a word I'm not quite sure of the complete meaning? I like to get animated when I watch some mindless reality tv & try to explain a healthier scenario to handle the on-air drama??? I can't even keep a cap on my drama & I'm trying to "fix" the bitches on reality tv? WTF????? I like to look up words/diagnoses as I'm charting at work? Mental health fascinates me; the sick attract the sick. How weird is it I've chosen to donate my whole body to UT's (Knoxville) Forensics Dept. for study at the "Body Farm"? I'm not your traditional girl, but I've got quite the lively imagination!!!! I'm engrossed with creative outlets, yet I struggle to realize my creative outlet. What does God have in store for me???? One thing I feel the need to clear up is my posting status. I had a "I'll never fucking talk to you again, douchebag" controversy with one of Andy's friends. As it may initially appear as I'm specifically trying to smear Andy's bad deeds all over the net (which I can't say it isn't always the case), but I also do the "tell all" techniques where my misdeeds are concerned as well. I use my FB & MySpace, Twitter, etc. as my emotional sounding board b/c it's gets pretty fucking old angrily dishing all my troubles to my family, friends & co-workers. At least with the net, you guys don't actually audibly hear the darkness in my voice as I am reeling through my painful realities. I'm able to recharge through your comments & accept full responsibility for what I choose to post. It's a free world, comment honestly. However, where Dean B. was concerned, I felt in his pursuit to protect his beloved friend, he would excuse Andy's behavior & spin it around to make it my fault or simply allow him to engage in said behavior- WHAT-FUCKING-EVER! I don't want an arsenal of enemies, but I've reached a point in my life I only want genuine, healthy (healthier) folks in my circle of friends. As I've said before & passionately stand by this declaration, I LOVE PHILIP ANDREW HILL, my husband... always have, always will. What's he's done to me, I'm also guilty of such selfish offenses. I'm a cheater, liar & bathed in a deep sea of denial until I lost my ass with my alcohol & cocaine addiction. It was the best thing to experience, although it was unapparent to me at the time, but now I feel the emotional destruction one feels with deceit & focus on others. It fucking hurts & I'm ashamed I EVER participated in such cruel activities. I treated my 1st husband like shit, I broke his heart with my selfish excursions. I have since apologized once I got out of the routine of blaming him & making it his fault as to why I cheated on him time after time. NO ONE DESERVES THAT & I've made an earnest commitment to never be as selfish again & change my behavior. Once again, thank you for your encouragement, please keep it coming for I desperately need your strength via comments to pursue my mission of enhancing my marriage in a Godly, appropriate way!!!! Love you all!!!! Nikki G-Hill

Lost little girl

I feel so lost & confused. What were my big plans for my life? I know I had several. I've always been a big thinking dreamer, it's just the follow-through I've struggled with. I have a great number of things to be sincerely grateful for: my husband who loves me no matter what, 2 beautiful boys who drive me crazy but love me despite myself. I've overcome cocaine addiction, now focusing on sobriety (just God & me working on this one). I'm employed with 2 jobs and going to school to bridge from LPN to RN. I have a mother who just won't give up on me, no matter how big of an ass I am & my father loves me the best he can. On the average scale rating of fatherhood, he sucks, but I'm proud of my father's wisdom & accomplishments. Not bad for a chronic alcoholic. He amazes me as to how he can function on the extreme amounts of alcohol he consumes daily. He can turn up Crown Royal as if he's chugging lemonade. I need to recall that image next time I want to get hammered. For me, alcohol is an escape, and boy, I AM RUNNING!!! I'm quickly approaching my big 4-0. Well, 4 yrs from now, but who's counting???? I feel a lot of shame because I feel as though I've wasted so many yrs of my life getting loaded. I was emotionally unavailable for my loved ones, my boys especially, & I'm trying so fucking hard to make my life seem meaningful. However, I've always been programmed to believe one's value is based on how much is earned financially---BULLSHIT!!!! I need to focus on what's the real value: how do I treat others around me, do I love my family unconditionally & am I living an honest life. That's what I have to answer for when I meet Jesus. That fact scares the shit out of me for I'm overwrought with heavy guilt for my past indiscretions. I have asked forgiveness from my current husband, ex-husband, children & family members (esp my mother) but this burden has continued to consume me. I assume this is the reason I'm working too damn hard to "make something of my life". What's my calling? What the fuck has God planned for my life? I only have 1 shot at this life & I'm exhausted with being a fuck up!!!!

Positive Daily Affirmations...

Affirmations are positive thoughts or statements about some outcome you wish to achieve (e.g. wealth, success or health). Instead of negative self-talk, you can use positive daily affirmations to direct what your focus will be. You can conquer your past and present fears and enjoy your circumstances or create the desired future through affirmation. This techniques guides you to redirect your values, help you to formulate goals and prepare you for any situation. Sounds like a good plan to me...

Uplifting wittisms...

Personal satisfaction comes only when I rise above the approval of others...

Fun should be a way of life, not something we have from time to time...

In the long run, none of this really matters much, so there's no need to get ours panties in such a wad!!!!

Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you...

The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in Him...

Love the Lord with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...

It's not the large things that send one to the madhouse; it's the continuing series of small tragedies...

Ain't it tha truth...

Excuses allow the almighty finger of blame to point away from yourself. Reasons force the said finger to point the blame in the direction it really should be... IN YOUR OWN FACE!!!

Have the courage to begin, the willingness to risk failure & the drive to continue doing whatever it takes to get the damn thing done!!!

Feeling "uncomfortable" creates a window to change...

GET A PLAN* KNOW HOW YOU WANT TO DO IT* GET MOTIVATED TO ACCOMPLISH IT!

Become whatever you have the potential to become & remain willing to dedicate the time & effort it requires to become what you have a talent for!

Most shadows in life are created by me standing in my own sunshine

It's not about the destination, it's about the journey to your destination. ENJOY the experience in anticipation of the next level...

Personal satisfaction comes only when I rise above the approval of others
Fun should be a way of life, not something I have from time to time
In the long run, none of "this" really matters much anyway; there's no need to get YOUR DAMN PANTIES IN A WAD!!!!

Just for today... Ego boosters!

Today, I am truthful in all of my daily activities
Today, I will choose to be alive to enjoy the everyday adventure of living
Today, I will acknowledge my feelings

Don't overreact by withdrawing from your current activity too quickly. Even if you're not fully comfortable, you'll be happier if you maintain contact with others throughout the day...

A happy heart makes the face cheerful...

Above all else, guard your heart for it's the wellspring of life!

Actions are the results of thoughts and beliefs...

Every little think you think, say & do has a major impact on the outcome of your life...

Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens...

Listening is the biggest part of communication...

The things you resist the most are the very things you most need to hear...

What you think of me is none of my business!!!!!