Lost little girl

I feel so lost & confused. What were my big plans for my life? I know I had several. I've always been a big thinking dreamer, it's just the follow-through I've struggled with. I have a great number of things to be sincerely grateful for: my husband who loves me no matter what, 2 beautiful boys who drive me crazy but love me despite myself. I've overcome cocaine addiction, now focusing on sobriety (just God & me working on this one). I'm employed with 2 jobs and going to school to bridge from LPN to RN. I have a mother who just won't give up on me, no matter how big of an ass I am & my father loves me the best he can. On the average scale rating of fatherhood, he sucks, but I'm proud of my father's wisdom & accomplishments. Not bad for a chronic alcoholic. He amazes me as to how he can function on the extreme amounts of alcohol he consumes daily. He can turn up Crown Royal as if he's chugging lemonade. I need to recall that image next time I want to get hammered. For me, alcohol is an escape, and boy, I AM RUNNING!!! I'm quickly approaching my big 4-0. Well, 4 yrs from now, but who's counting???? I feel a lot of shame because I feel as though I've wasted so many yrs of my life getting loaded. I was emotionally unavailable for my loved ones, my boys especially, & I'm trying so fucking hard to make my life seem meaningful. However, I've always been programmed to believe one's value is based on how much is earned financially---BULLSHIT!!!! I need to focus on what's the real value: how do I treat others around me, do I love my family unconditionally & am I living an honest life. That's what I have to answer for when I meet Jesus. That fact scares the shit out of me for I'm overwrought with heavy guilt for my past indiscretions. I have asked forgiveness from my current husband, ex-husband, children & family members (esp my mother) but this burden has continued to consume me. I assume this is the reason I'm working too damn hard to "make something of my life". What's my calling? What the fuck has God planned for my life? I only have 1 shot at this life & I'm exhausted with being a fuck up!!!!

Positive Daily Affirmations...

Affirmations are positive thoughts or statements about some outcome you wish to achieve (e.g. wealth, success or health). Instead of negative self-talk, you can use positive daily affirmations to direct what your focus will be. You can conquer your past and present fears and enjoy your circumstances or create the desired future through affirmation. This techniques guides you to redirect your values, help you to formulate goals and prepare you for any situation. Sounds like a good plan to me...

Uplifting wittisms...

Personal satisfaction comes only when I rise above the approval of others...

Fun should be a way of life, not something we have from time to time...

In the long run, none of this really matters much, so there's no need to get ours panties in such a wad!!!!

Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you...

The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in Him...

Love the Lord with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...

It's not the large things that send one to the madhouse; it's the continuing series of small tragedies...