Not much to share...

I haven't posted in awhile but had a lot happen in the short time span I was MIA. Feeling extremely apprehensive with my financial situation. Working 2 jobs, 5-7 days ea. job & going to school. Can't get ahead! UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

It's not easy bein' green...

First of all, I'd like to personally thank everyone for the positive feedback I received from my previous post. It's a risk I take by disclosing I had a cocaine addiction & I appreciate the tender, sensitive & inspiring remarks- for the 1st time in many years, I feel it's ok to tell all who I truly am. I'm so exhausted with trying to mold myself into who I believe would be acceptable to this group & that, there's so much more to me. Such as, did you know I like to read books & stop in mid-sentence to jot down a word I'm not quite sure of the complete meaning? I like to get animated when I watch some mindless reality tv & try to explain a healthier scenario to handle the on-air drama??? I can't even keep a cap on my drama & I'm trying to "fix" the bitches on reality tv? WTF????? I like to look up words/diagnoses as I'm charting at work? Mental health fascinates me; the sick attract the sick. How weird is it I've chosen to donate my whole body to UT's (Knoxville) Forensics Dept. for study at the "Body Farm"? I'm not your traditional girl, but I've got quite the lively imagination!!!! I'm engrossed with creative outlets, yet I struggle to realize my creative outlet. What does God have in store for me???? One thing I feel the need to clear up is my posting status. I had a "I'll never fucking talk to you again, douchebag" controversy with one of Andy's friends. As it may initially appear as I'm specifically trying to smear Andy's bad deeds all over the net (which I can't say it isn't always the case), but I also do the "tell all" techniques where my misdeeds are concerned as well. I use my FB & MySpace, Twitter, etc. as my emotional sounding board b/c it's gets pretty fucking old angrily dishing all my troubles to my family, friends & co-workers. At least with the net, you guys don't actually audibly hear the darkness in my voice as I am reeling through my painful realities. I'm able to recharge through your comments & accept full responsibility for what I choose to post. It's a free world, comment honestly. However, where Dean B. was concerned, I felt in his pursuit to protect his beloved friend, he would excuse Andy's behavior & spin it around to make it my fault or simply allow him to engage in said behavior- WHAT-FUCKING-EVER! I don't want an arsenal of enemies, but I've reached a point in my life I only want genuine, healthy (healthier) folks in my circle of friends. As I've said before & passionately stand by this declaration, I LOVE PHILIP ANDREW HILL, my husband... always have, always will. What's he's done to me, I'm also guilty of such selfish offenses. I'm a cheater, liar & bathed in a deep sea of denial until I lost my ass with my alcohol & cocaine addiction. It was the best thing to experience, although it was unapparent to me at the time, but now I feel the emotional destruction one feels with deceit & focus on others. It fucking hurts & I'm ashamed I EVER participated in such cruel activities. I treated my 1st husband like shit, I broke his heart with my selfish excursions. I have since apologized once I got out of the routine of blaming him & making it his fault as to why I cheated on him time after time. NO ONE DESERVES THAT & I've made an earnest commitment to never be as selfish again & change my behavior. Once again, thank you for your encouragement, please keep it coming for I desperately need your strength via comments to pursue my mission of enhancing my marriage in a Godly, appropriate way!!!! Love you all!!!! Nikki G-Hill