Lost little girl

I feel so lost & confused. What were my big plans for my life? I know I had several. I've always been a big thinking dreamer, it's just the follow-through I've struggled with. I have a great number of things to be sincerely grateful for: my husband who loves me no matter what, 2 beautiful boys who drive me crazy but love me despite myself. I've overcome cocaine addiction, now focusing on sobriety (just God & me working on this one). I'm employed with 2 jobs and going to school to bridge from LPN to RN. I have a mother who just won't give up on me, no matter how big of an ass I am & my father loves me the best he can. On the average scale rating of fatherhood, he sucks, but I'm proud of my father's wisdom & accomplishments. Not bad for a chronic alcoholic. He amazes me as to how he can function on the extreme amounts of alcohol he consumes daily. He can turn up Crown Royal as if he's chugging lemonade. I need to recall that image next time I want to get hammered. For me, alcohol is an escape, and boy, I AM RUNNING!!! I'm quickly approaching my big 4-0. Well, 4 yrs from now, but who's counting???? I feel a lot of shame because I feel as though I've wasted so many yrs of my life getting loaded. I was emotionally unavailable for my loved ones, my boys especially, & I'm trying so fucking hard to make my life seem meaningful. However, I've always been programmed to believe one's value is based on how much is earned financially---BULLSHIT!!!! I need to focus on what's the real value: how do I treat others around me, do I love my family unconditionally & am I living an honest life. That's what I have to answer for when I meet Jesus. That fact scares the shit out of me for I'm overwrought with heavy guilt for my past indiscretions. I have asked forgiveness from my current husband, ex-husband, children & family members (esp my mother) but this burden has continued to consume me. I assume this is the reason I'm working too damn hard to "make something of my life". What's my calling? What the fuck has God planned for my life? I only have 1 shot at this life & I'm exhausted with being a fuck up!!!!