Recession has hit if server jobs are rigid- $2.13 hr. for chrissakes!!!! FUCK YOU!

I've had it- it's official!!! I work for a corporate restaurant p/t & bust my ass daily & still get shit from mgt. I was told tonite I'm a leader & more is expected of me but all I seem to get is an ass-chewing instead of "good work". Where's my fucking positive reinforcement????? Goes a long way, you thankless bitches!!!! Very disgruntled!!!! This is my side job. I'm a nurse by trade & don't get this much shit @ my BIG GIRL job. Lighten up, fuckers- READY TO QUIT!!!! You can take you're $2.13 hr. & shove it straight up your militant ass, LB!!!!! GO STRAIGHT TO HELL, BITCH, YOU LIAR!!!!

Now that's all said, here's some shit I like...

Urban Word of the Day:
Douche chill- implies a situation that is very awkward & uncomfortable for all parties. Also means someone who sucks at life (LB), therefore making everyone around them uncomfortable

Scorpio- sensual, sexy and mesmerizing. Loyal & sweet to the very end. Highly intelligent & have a quick wit. Adventurous, curious & very loving! MY HUBBY!!!!

Gemini:
*If aspects of your day seem beyond your control, don't waste your energy trying to change the course of events. You might believe everything will be better once it's going the way you want. You are more adaptable than you realize, so don't let your feelings of insecurity overrule your common sense. Ultimately, you'll have more fun floating with the prevailing currents than attempting to alter their direction.

*You can act confidently but you might not really know what you're doing now. Fortunately, you are able to catch on so quickly that it seems as if you are stepping on familiar ground. Be careful, you can get caught in your own cleverness if you get too cocky. Thinking fast on your feet is fine, just don't pretend you're an expert.

*Measuring yourself against others isn't necessarily productive, yet it may be hard to avoid such behavior today as you strive to get a better perspective on what you should do next. Doing a personal assessment is tricky business b/c your greatest assets may elude quantification (give quantity to). Give yourself permission to change your mind often but don't resist your tendency toward intensity now, even if others are at ease with your volatility (tending to break into open violence- nothing postal, just able to opening vent feelings).

Last addendum: ANHEDONIA: loss of interest & pleasure. This is how I feel about my job as a server. At one time it was my release & I enjoyed it but now I find this job to be more of a burden & prison sentence- FUCK THAT SHIT!!!!

Gathering information, wanna share it...

From Urban Word of the Day:
Thumb strength- energy required to write a text
Clapathy- when an audience grows weary of clapping, either at ceremony or musical performance
MIRF- acronym for MOM I'D RUN FROM. Opposite of MILF- mom definitely NOT want to do!
Textrovert- feels an increased sense of bravery in texting as opposed to in person, will often only say what really feel over text msgs.
Flesh forks- bare fingers
Crop dusting- farting while walking, walking while farting (busted!!!!)
Deja moo- feeling have heard this bull before- one of my personal favorites!!!!!

3 Major Types of Thinking Errors:
1) Undervaluing oneself, low self-esteem stemming from belief one is inadequate & of little value
2) Negative view of one's current experience. Depressed people percieve self as unable to achieve goals & experience pleasure
3) Pessimism- belief situation will not ever improve

Reading from depression text...

Hypo (mild manic) Manic Personality/Cyclothymic Personality

Patterns of Mild Manic Depression:
Experience only mild forms of both symptom extremes.
Alternate in rhythmic & continuing way, diagnosed as cyclothymic personality.
Up periods never exceed hypomania which blocks gross mental impairment or psychiatric hospitalization.
Ups & downs may follow with interruption or separated by normal intervals that may last for months.
Often referred to as "moody" (alternation of mood).
Occasionally some individuals are persistently hypomanic for the majority of his lifetime without swings into depression.

Hypomanic Personality individuals are considered impressive, productive and creative.

The appearance of depression is evident during high productivity as a result of the disease-incited increased level of drive.

Learning a lot lately. Loving the 3rd shift down time!!!

One thing I have become acutely aware of is how completely ignorant the NP is at my job. My job responsibility requires me to type in her RIDICULOUS progress notes. I honestly pity her patients!!! Another frightening fact is she's an instructor at quite a reputable nursing school- sorry future nurses of TN, your teacher is a COMPLETE DUMB ASS!!! Feels good to get that shit off my chest. I've been typing her notes for some time this morning & I'm ready to pull my hair out!!!!! UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! Now that I'm done with my necessary venting, I want to use my blog to share my personal stuff: what's going on with me, to document some facts & witty sayings I feel are valuable & basically to use this site to say exactly whatever the fuck I want!!! With that so eloquently stated, this is what I've found interesting lately...

Horoscope:
Gemini- you are likely to withdraw from social interactions and spend more time by yourself. Don't panic if those around you try to tease you into believing you are a social misfit. They just don't understand why you must recharge your emotional batteries before heading out and doing another round.

Horoscopes, my new passion!

Whatever held you back recently has changed enough that it's no longer the problem that it was. Surprisingly, the restraint may originate within you, even if it manifested externally. But try not to get lost in philosophical explorations; there's too much that must get done. Control your thoughts by controlling your actions. Eliminating non-essential activities can quickly get your day back on track.

This horoscope has a lot of meaning to me right now. I've got something that's really bothering me but I can't seem to put my finger on it. I have a TON of love for my husband but I feel some animosity toward him. I find I'm jealous and distrustful of him more than usual - not good! I don't know if something's going on or if I'm so tired I'm just turning into a full-fledged psycho????!!!!! Maybe both. It has put me in an uncomfortable place & I want to get myself out of it. I wish I could get down to the core of what's gnawing at my guts. I hate feeling stuck in an unsavory misery I want to call a valid emotion b/c I don't feel there's much validity in what I feel as my reality. I NEED SOME SLEEP & SOME MENTAL HEALTH DAYS, DAMMIT!!!!

Just some funnies... light mood this morning (FINALLY!)

Found on Urban Word of the Day:

Black Friday- The day after Thanksgiving when stores decide to open at the asscrack of dawn to start Christmas sales. Most people fall for this ploy and wake up at 4 am to fight over mothers and cheap presents.
*My dear husband can certainly relate for he was slaving at the mall on Black Friday- BLESS HIS HEART!

Thanksgiving Pants- Pants that are worn in anticipation of eating a huge meal (i.e. Thanksgiving dinner). These pants usually boast an elastic waist to allow some give for that third helping of sweet potato pie.

The wheels on the bus go round & round... FUCK YOU, BITCH!

I'm at a loss for words, well not really but I can say I'm appalled w/ my co-worker who, as my boss put it, threw me under the bus to get my hrs. b/c hers had been cut significantly. I think it sucks balls that she would go to this extreme b/c she's the person who referred me to this job in the first place. This is a situation of you reap what you sow b/c I did the same thing to a co-worker about 11 yrs. ago & trust me, I'll NEVER do that again. The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming. As far as I'm concerned, I'm done w/ associating w/ this person beyond a professional capacity & just do my damn job (what I was doing in the first place). Now here's the kicker... I left said employee a msg. telling her we're just work associates & nothing more. When this bitch came to work, she was telling everyone I'd left a heated msg. telling her to "blow" something or other (?) & went to my boss & said she had to leave work early b/c she was afraid I was going to confront her- heehaw!!!! That's fucking hilarious!!!!! As far as I'm concerned this ridiculous situation is over & I can go about my lil' ol' life. This is why I prefer to work 3rd shift so I don't have to deal w/ this bullshit. I mean, I'm dealing w/ bullshit but I'm now alone in this office from 10p-6a. I like it that way even though my sleeping is so damn fucked b/c I have a 2nd job that I work during the day. I'm so tired right now I'm about to scream!!!! What I'm relieved about is my boss sees this bitch for what see really is & said cunt is probably going to be taken off the schedule due to this whack stunt. Karma's a bitch, bitch!!!!

On a better note, I got my horoscope today & I really dig what it has to say....
GEMINI SAYS:

Sharing could change your perception of the world and other people's sense of you. You may become more calculating in relationships as a more serious side of your nature begins to emerge. Although you might grow nostalgic for the lighter and easier days of the past, you will be able to enrich your life now by discovering buried treasures in the unexplored depths of your soul.

I like this...

"Remain honest to yourself & others. Don't compromise your integrity for the sake of a passing pleasure".

That's all I feel I want to share for now...

Why do I let these crazy little bitches get on my nerves????

I'm so irritated & I want to choke one of these little fucking crazy bitch patients RIGHT NOW!!! The problem is the way this facility is currently run, these residents know they're basically in charge. The current mgmt./clinical dept. feels the most effective treatment for these little shits is to "de-esculate" them & try to reason with them instead of allowing staff to promote an effective level of authority. These kids never had a positive role model, most are in foster care, parents are drug addicts, guardians are incarcerated & most of the boys have been sexually offended as well as being the offender. I hate to see our therapy & treatment is proving to be unsuccessful. I feel very disgruntled right now & when I feel I have no control in a situation, I become RESENTFUL & BITTER. That's a dangerous place to be. I don't want to get to where I don't care about these residents, no matter how shitty & fucked up they act. They honestly haven't had any real positive role models. Some facts in their charts are heartbreaking!!! Another problem I see is I feel staff isn't working together, I feel we're against each other. I get frustrated when non-medical staff try to tell me how to dispense my meds. I'm the one w/ the nursing license, I BUSTED MY ASS TO GET WHERE I AM TODAY! On a positive note, I'm currently pursuing a sociology degree & this job is wonderful experience for my intended field & I want to take my experiences here (both good & bad) & help others- WHO KNOWS WHAT GOD HAS IN STORE FOR ME????

I'm feeling trapped...

Why can't I get it right? I'm working my ass off but I can't seem to get my money under control. My hubby has moved up here w/ me & took a significant pay cut to do so, but I work enough to make up the financial difference. I know what the problem is... I don't want to curtail my spending. I got used being able to spend as much money as I wanted & not worry about it b/c I had an overflow of funds. I miss the money but not the exhaustion that went w/ the 85 hr. workweek. I'm kinda back to that but I have taken some time off from the restaurant & I NEED THAT CASH!!!! I'm trying to find balance in my life & I can't seem to disclipline myself to do so. I can whine about this all nite but really I need to focus my energies & that's getting out of debt. I don't have to buy my lunch everyday. I can go to the damn grocery store. It's just a matter of convenience to go out to eat----I'm a lazy, spoiled fuck. Not to say I will deprive myself of all worldly luxuries (I will get a mani-pedi every once in awhile) but I need to learn balance!!!! I can't get discouraged everytime I have an overdraft, I CAN DO IT!!!!

"It's just business". More like it's just BULLSHIT!

"It's just business", don't take it personally is one of the fucking stupidest ideas ever! How the hell do you NOT take it personally. I'm talking about a co-worker who was fired from work d/t a pt.'s suicide attempt. Here's the deal... the "suits" in this motherfucker make all these rules that are impossible to follow (may sound good in theory) but if you don't work the floor or you're not acclimated to the job you're making rules for, what's the fucking point???? I'm tired of these shits thinking they're so AWARE & you know what, they don't really know shit. Take the Clinical Director. I figured this bitch out during my orientation. I thought she was a complete tool the second I laid eyes on her! It's frightening people of her caliber (shitty) is in a position of such decision making... Uuuugggghhhh! She was extremely unprofessional by her lack of time mgmt. skills & personally, she came off as a dumbass! It makes me want to seek my sociology/social work masters degree & actually give a damn about the folks I'm in charge of. What depresses me is it's all about the almighty dollar & fuck the people who are trying desperately to make ends meet. These folks are working 2 or 3 jobs (so am I) & upper managemet just up & fires said folks for the smallest offenses. The sad part is they make crucial decisions w/o getting all the facts & making a fair decision. Oh well, what goes around comes around, motherfuckers!!!! Back to the employee who was escorted out our building after the pt. guzzled about 15 oz. of cleaning fluid... I know it sounds like a logial solution to terminate the employee, but you must factor in the "suits" don't really allow staff to have hands on restraints w/ the pt's, our genius (ha!) CD thinks it's more effective to verbally de-esculate the boys. Now, this is foolish b/c the pt's need to have boundries & respect authority & how the fuck is this supposed to happen when you're trying to reason w/ a mentally challenged sex-offender????? Another fuck up on mgmt's plate is they're too concerned w/ the revenue, has cut back staff & staff's having to monitor more pt's than what's legal. When this happens, mistakes will happen. It's no secret this pt. has been suicidal, but he hasn't been transfered to the proper facility thanks, in part, to the shitty decisions made by mobile crisis & this facility's unwillingness to let go of the revenue this pt is filtering in, even though the program we offer is ineffective for the issues the pt's experiencing. I don't know what the solution is but the only thing I can control is me getting educated & doing the best damn job I can for society. I may be an ungracious, "hot-headed liberal" but I honestly give a shit about people!!!!! FUCK BUSINESS, IT IS PERSONAL, fuckhead!!!!

Just let it go...

I hate those 4 words. They make a lot of sense & I want to do just that but dammit, I need some time to "just let it go". I must process, discuss, think about it, rethink about what I thought about, gossip, cry, gossip some more, yell, blog about it & then I can just let it go. The latest & greatest is about me chosing to not be friends with a bipolar, uber Jesus freak & AA fanatic. I'm somewhat cool w/ all the above, unfortunately, Teresa wasn't cool w/ me not sharing her same religious & political ideals. I'm a liberal "hothead" as Teresa puts it & I'm a practicing non-judgmental Christian. Look, who am I to get all high & mighty? I have been a coke-head, cheater, liar & complete self-centered brat. I drink & cuss too much & can be verbally (& @ times physically) abusive. Why do I think I'm better than anyone else? I'm not! Teresa is a recovering alcoholic (good for her) & belongs to a cultish church & I highly suspect this said church advocates her not taking her bipolar meds b/c they believe God's love will be enough- HOGWASH!!! Whatever, Tom Cruiseisk folks, whatever! Anyhow, I want to be okay w/ expressing exactly what I'm thinking & not worrying what others will think. That doesn't mean I'll totally disregard the feelings of others, but I'm tired of trying to get the approval of others. It wears me out. Speaking of being worn out, I AM! Not done w/ this subject but I feel as though I need to address it at a later date. Adios!

Can I get a Xanax IV pump pronto, PLEASE!!!!

I've forgotten how stressful moving is. I've lived w/ my mother for the last 5 1/2 yrs. since my 1st marriage went to the shitter. Let me rephrase this b/c I've moved several times while I've lived w/ mom but I wasn't responsible for the moving process. In other words, I didn't have to orchestrate the entire moving ordeal, I'd only move my shit. I've been a spoiled little fuck for quite some time, damn! Anyhow, I've got my shit piled in my car, in my mom's house & some stuff at the new apt. The only time Andy & I have been able to spend an entire nite in our place is when we went there to pass out from one of our drunken episodes. BTW, that "habit" will be coming to a screeching halt d/t the fact we're going to be quite poor & need to find other things to do to occupy our time- zoo, library, sex, Frist, movies, etc. So many options, so little time. Speaking of time, I'm wasting it b/c I need to be working on my pt's charts instead of blogging about nothing in particular. That's about it, I'm out...

Am I ready to take the next step to forgive him???

For some strange reason I'm feeling some amount of peace toward my husband. I've been so angry with him & didn't feel it was worth trying to work things out because I felt he would never change or ever commit to me as he should. I'm hoping this feeling of ease will last a while longer, give me enough to last through our Memphis reception dinner! Only time will tell. I do realize how important he is to me & I want to have a healthy, happy life with him. I fell in love with Andy the first time I saw him in 1989. I was 15 & he was 21 as well as my supervisor. I tried to get his attention so many times, to no avail! When I turned 18 (& was legally attainable for hot sex), Andy took me to a strip club for my birthday. Unfortunately, hot sex was not to be had until 1999 when I was 25 & um, married. Not the best time to dip into our lust for each other, but it is what it is. I lost track of Andy in 2001 & was reaquainted w/ him this year in Mar. of 2008. To say we had a whirlwind courtship is an understatement but I was totally "Team Andy" by the end of our 1st "date" on Mar. 5th. We are going through some shit right now but I feel there's enough love & potential for me to not give up on my husband. I can't wait until he lives with me f/t in Nov. That's another story for another blog. Got to check off my MAR's at my nursing job. Gotta work some time, can't just spend all nite on the fucking computer, or can I????? Later, bitches!

This should be an awesome outlet...

My poor husband! I've worn him out w/ numerous questions as to his current decisions (ones I find inappropriate) & right now I'm afraid I'm going to piss him off. What I want to know is why I must know definate answers as to why he has chosen to behave in a particularly disrespectful way. I guess I'm tapping into my psychology vein. I just feel I will blow the said vein with my endless questions & then we sadly find ourselves back to -15 on the untolerable relationship scale. I'm tired of being stuck in the ugliness of what I have found out, but I feel as though I have, in some instances, married a stranger. I was speechless when I found his myspace & hotmail "conversations" & saved files. It certainly shocked the shit out of me!!! I guess I keep writing about it so I can get some relief. We'll see...